My Butterfly Dream

Crazy thoughts and not so wild ideas

Not the V-word

A week or two ago I was having a conversation with one of my friends (no longer in the colleague category) about my new endeavour of typing up blog posts. During this conversation she used the word “vulnerable” to explain what I was doing. Being the person I am I only processed this word much later. Me, vulnerable? No, maybe she got it wrong. Maybe she meant “nerve-wrecking,” or “exciting” or “challenging.” Not that V-word – she definitely used the wrong word here, right?

Given however that she is hardly ever wrong I started wondering more and more about this. Why did this word scare me so much? And what did it actually mean? Turn to the Oxford dictionary (okay, my old friend Google to be honest) and it was defined as being “exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” Wait, wait, wait. Being attacked or harmed…emotionally? This is all too much, even for me. I’m coming back to this after I’ve read a few articles, watched a few talks and taken myself through the process of denial.

A few days later…

And at the point of acceptance.

How did blogging about finding my passion in life make me vulnerable? Especially since in the first article I stated that if people did not like what I typed then they did not have to read it. Well, that’s just it. I assumed that there would be people out there who would not like it and before they could begin their slaughtering of my words I defended myself by indirectly asking them to leave me alone. Vulnerable moment hidden.
Dhiya 1 – Vulnerability 0.

Then I realised that I had told the people who truly mattered to me about this blogging experience. Dumb Dhiya! Now I’ve really placed myself in a vulnerable position. Think logically here – how could this hurt me emotionally? Well, rejection is a hard thing to face. From the all ever simple, “Waiting for a response to the silent question being asked of – “did you enjoy what you read?” to the more complicated life experiences, “why must we love others and potentially be hurt?” Rejection, fear, the possibility of being attacked or harmed is the reason the V-word exists. And let’s be honest, no one wants to be hurt. Ever. (Let’s ponder on this for a moment).

As I thought more about this I realised that every Sunday when I posted this article and I shared it with others I was facing rejection in the face and it did not make me feel better or less anxious. It just made me feel.
Dhiya 1 – Vulnerability 100 (plus ten more zeroes).

What does this all mean? It means that feeling and accepting your emotional state is a good thing. It is, as the cliche goes, “what makes us human.” It means that facing your fear of rejection or your fear of being hurt emotionally is more satisfying than the alternative. It can be gruesome and soul-wrenching and probably the most painful thing to experience but in the end, after you’ve twisted that V-word inside out you’ll be wiser, more human and you hopefully (this is where positive thinking comes into play) will love life all that more.

So, yes vulnerability has won. This round. And when that moment comes again where I have to be all feeling I probably will put up a tough fight with that V-word. My hope though is that it wins and I am not attacked or harmed, physically or emotionally. But this can only be my hope.