900 pages filled with words based on a thriller all about murder and suspense; and 19 words stuck in my head. If you really are searching for something you’ll find it. Or if something is searching for you, it’ll be sure you find it. Anywhere.

Why do I say this? Because the first phrase of those 19 words were “If you want to be free, all you have to do is let go” and the second was, “My weight was my heart.”

Now I do not know about you or your reading style, but when I read a thriller, suspense novel, I want to zone out; disconnect from reality and not do as much “inward” thinking as other books I may lean towards. Imagine my annoyance, when a few days after finishing “I am Pilgrim” by Terry Hayes, (Side note: definitely worth reading every page!) I still have this urge to type out this blog and put those two phrases in it. I do not joke about those 900 pages either and yes, it was a “light read” in that you could carry on reading, page after page, chapter after chapter, following the story, not having to put it down and run through scenarios or think deeply about anything …………………………….and yet here we are.

I really do like the term “be free” and I absolutely understand the implications of it in my life if I were to ever reach “freedom.” A world where the past doesn’t haunt me; where my childhood memories are just that and when I reflect on any decision I’ve made in my life, there is no skipping of a heartbeat, no guilt trying to grab my throat and no sudden urge to close my eyes forever.

Pause.

Reflect.

Shrug.

Carry on living.

That’s how freedom would feel when some random memory digs itself up in my mind. Pausing to remember the memories; reflecting to ensure I’ve learnt from them; shrugging off any ill about to attack and then moving in a forward direction so I can carry on living.

No more weight in my heart.

No more struggling.

Just free and weightless.