Another step.

“most importantly love
like it’s the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
means nothing
this page
where you’re sitting
your degree
your job
the money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them”
– R. Kaur

I’ve written about this before. Forgiveness. It’s such a up-and-down-back-and-forth topic because we are not perfect and we find ourselves needing to learn forgiveness everyday. Either to forgive someone or something or even ourselves. Why am I bringing this up yet again? Because in my previous blogs it was just above the surface, being vulnerable enough but not really. And in the week I was reminded (for a change, I appreciated the facebook memory reminder) about a time when my father provided feedback on a blog I had written four years ago and he stated my blogs were generally too factual and boring (yes those exact words… how’s that for honesty?) but that particular blog in his words “had oomph in it.”

To forgive I believe we need to be willing to openly acknowledge the forgiveness we provide even if other parties either weren’t aware or do not care whether forgiveness is required. As we learn, we realise forgiveness is as much about our own healing as it is about the other person’s.

I want to let go of a lot. Preferably all at once. And there’s no better time than the present. So here goes.

Taken from the book, milk and honey, by R. Kaur

I forgive my parents for being human. Growing up I refused to acknowledge my parents were not perfect. I wanted and probably needed (as all children) perfect parents. And it’s taken me all of 35 years to accept that they are nowhere near perfect. That in actual fact they’re just human. And the way they brought me up was really less about me and more about them and doing the best they could with what they knew. They made (many) mistakes but this was their journey and whether they learnt anything from those mistakes or not is not my burden to carry.

I forgive myself for trying to always be the good little girl. And as I grew older, I forgive myself for allowing people to treat me a certain way because I thought that’s what I deserved. I forgive myself for not being kinder or gentler when I needed it the most.

I forgive my no longer best friend who lied to me for years and in the end treated me like I was something that could be tossed away when they no longer required my shoulders to cry on. I forgive them for never apologising and blaming me for how our friendship ended. I forgive them for only remembering the times I hurt them and never when they hurt me. I forgive them for misunderstanding how friendships work.

I forgive those friends from the past, who took my kindness for granted and seemed to remember my phone number when they needed money. I forgive them for thinking my kindness was a weakness, and for believing money was more valuable than our past.

Forgiveness is a process. Back-and-forth-and-up-and-down. But in order to let go, forgiveness is the journey that we need to take in order to reach that destination. Here’s to another step in the right direction.

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