Wow, I need a list.

Right now, more than ever, I keep trying to remind myself to be grateful. To be thankful for everything I have and for the support I have in my life during this time. Whenever I find myself in a lull or in a negative thinking zone, I try tune in to something to be grateful for. I need a list. Something to remind me what I’m meant to be grateful for. And to be honest, right now during this worldwide pandemic, it’s probably the hardest thing to be constantly doing. So instead I’m reminding myself to be gentle and kind with whatever place I’m in; not physically because you know, that can only mean home; but emotionally and mentally.

I’ve stopped trying to justify why on some days, I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed, or why I’m jumping off the walls on other days. I’ve stopped trying to force myself to be in a good mood when I absolutely could not be bothered. And I’ve stopped apologising for my sarcasm (coupled with RBF, this becomes absolutely misunderstood). Okay, I’m lying here, I haven’t stopped apologising but now I’m leaning towards total and absolute denial…what sarcasm? In reality, when the honesty about my feelings meets the honesty coming from my mouth, I accept that I should never have suppressed this before. And in those instances, I shrug and say, oh well…the truth with my feelings was going to force itself out one way or another.

There are some days when I really am loving life; things work out perfectly, the morning routine is on point, the work routine on point and the evening routine on point (yes yes yes, lots of routines I know but we’ve accepted my OCD behavior now, remember?) and then there are days where nothing goes according to the calendar. Nothing. The phone starts buzzing too early; the noise is too much and it’s rush, rush, rush. And these good and bad days would normally happen except now there’s less room. Less space. Less area of release…Let’s just take a deep breath now because this is the new normal, right?

If there was ever a time I’m learning to let go and surrender, it is now. There is nothing to control because nothing is in control. Every day brings a change, sometimes if not most of the times, unpredictable change, and to try be in control now seems to require new levels of frustration I’m not interested in. Now I’m learning what surrender means, and it’s not linear, but mountains and valleys of ups and downs…now I’m learning to just go with the flow. The flow of the day, my emotions and the unexpected.

There are also days when I can’t imagine going back to the way things were because I’m enjoying so much of the now (ooohhh look, some gratitude) and other days where I just want things to “go back to normal.”

Reading all this, I’m sure you’re probably sitting there saying, “yes we know all this. We living through it too.” And that’s just it, right? The hardest part about all of this is to remember that we’re not alone in it; others are experiencing similar ups and downs to you; and because they’re not around you like before, it’s difficult for you to remember, to relate to, and now we have to stretch ourselves even more to be compassionate and kind and well…human.

So, here’s my list:

  1. Be grateful whenever and wherever you can be.
  2. If you’re not feeling particularly grateful, be gentle and kind to yourself.
  3. Be gentle and kind to others, always.

Why is all this important? Because oddly enough, we’re all in this together, apart.

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