My Butterfly Dream

Crazy thoughts and not so wild ideas

The Destruction of Self.

What a year.

I feel like my soul and spirit is dying a slow death and the Universe is pushing for it to be reborn. And as morbid as this sounds, it is a welcoming unfolding because my soul is tired. And the unfolding is leading to the core of who I am pushing through the layers of years and years of who I thought I needed to be and who I thought I was. But this unfolding is not without its lessons.

This unfolding comes because I can no longer be in denial. Because I can no longer put off difficult situations and because I can no longer run away from facing my old stories of pain or sadness that show up again and again.

And that’s the reason for all this, isn’t it? Working through everything so I can deal with it and let it all go. And dealing with it means:

  • Each time I accept that I cannot change something I feel lighter.
  • Each time I accept I’m not in control of something I feel at peace.
  • Each time I accept that I cannot change the past I’m able to take a step forward.

A note of caution however. I’m learning there are two ways to self destruct.

The first way is by becoming authentic. Destroying this current image of who you think you are. Shedding the falsehoods you’ve created; running straight into the storm of the past stories so you can come out the other side stronger; jumping off the cliff with all the faith and belief that you’re going to fly. This way is hard; because you’re openly welcoming the pain you can see coming straight at you and you do this because you know it’s what is needed. Your soul is tired and you’re tired of being weighed down. And you, in your soul, know this is the way. This way teaches you to ask for help and to accept the support others want to provide. This way leads to the creation of the real you. And it allows others to be real too.

Then there’s the second way of destroying yourself.
The way of denial. Where all you’re doing is running. You don’t see the patterns you’re living; where every time you face a trauma you run away. You create stories in your mind of having no support and instead of facing your pain, you avoid it.
I did this once and spent 7 years away from family and friends; missing out on creating memories with loved ones because I thought it was easier than just dealing my stuff. And in the short term it was easy. Avoidance was second nature. And all this did was create more and more unspoken layers. It created more work to get through.
This way is much harder than the first. Because you end up lying to yourself and the ones you love. And you get yourself so deep in a hole, you see no way out. So instead of pausing; and giving yourself time, you continue running. You run further and further from what will soothe your soul. But there always comes a point where you can no longer run. Where you run out of steam and you hit rock bottom. This may or may not happen for many years. But it always catches up with you, no matter what. This way creates more regrets and unspoken pain.
Unless you wake up in time you may stay destroyed. This doesn’t only cause damage for you but also those closest to you, no matter how much you try keep them at a distance. The distance in itself creates damage.

Choosing between the two is not about tossing a coin and leaving it to fate.
The first requires a conscious decision. It requires you to want to become self aware; to become emotionally in tune and intelligent. It requires you to sometimes apologise, sometimes compromise and to sometimes ask for help.

The second requires you to continue lying to yourself.

Even in our own destruction we have a choice.