Becoming grey.

I’m learning as I start understanding and expressing my feelings more that life is impossible to live whole heartedly if you live in a black and white world. Over the years, to get life over and done with, I started becoming more and more black and white in my decisions. Striving for perfectionism because it was easier to deal with a yes or no then a maybe. It was easier to make a quick decision and get the decision-making over with than living in the anxiety of indecision, even if it was for a few minutes. Or I would dis-engage and not care what decision was made because the wrong choice would be too emotionally draining to deal with.

I am learning every day that life is grey. Real life is grey. There is no one side to anybody or anything. There is no one way to be perfect or one way to live. The idea of living is to find the shade of grey you can thrive in, the mixture of black and white that you can paint your life with.

To live this way requires us to do certain things, like pausing before making a decision when you have a vested interest in the outcome or expressing how you really feel even though you’d prefer to avoid the potential conflict.

A lot of the time it’s also about not being in control of situations or other people’s decisions. It’s about living in enough grey to take comfort thay they’re on their own journey and maybe their mixture of grey isn’t the same as yours. The upside of this is that the picture created with all the different shades of grey may be made better by the various people in it. The downside is sometimes someone else’s grey covers too much and you might not like the way the picture is being shaped. If this happens then you’ll need to add a little more black or white.

The bottom line is black and white is the easy way to live. It requires less time, less feeling and quick decisions. Life will be over before you know it and there’ll probably be a lot of relief that you got through it all and also a lot of regret (if you’re able to reflect by that point). But grey is where living is at. Taking time, giving time, paying attention to other ways that make no sense to you, colouring outside the lines once in a while and expressing whatever is inside you.

I would say this is my new goal but that would be too comfortable, so I’m going to rather say that I’ll strive more for grey to find the right mixture of black and white.


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