After 2 weeks of experiencing different life situations; one involving having to accept that not everyone we love wants to live, to questioning my role in some of my relationships; my emotions are all over the place. So much so, that last night resulted in me going to sleep with a headache.

Enough.

I know I need to learn to let my emotions flow freely. Less thinking, more feeling. I tried this week to use logic to express my emotions and it was an epic fail. I ended up blocking how I felt at the time and then ended up intellectualising my emotions.

“Intellectualising emotions is a defence mechanism against emotional hurt or pain.  It means that you utilise reason to judge your”feel bad” emotions therefore not utilising them as indicators – there to ensure your emotional well-being.”  – Leak, K. My chirology report.

I want to be able to say how I feel when I initially pick up on a feeling but I require so much understanding and trust from whomever I’m sharing it with, I doubt anyone will ever understand. Because of my default setting of logic, the assumption is that I have no emotions but in reality I feel specifically and deeply. With others I default to using logic to process my emotions because it’s safer and when I’m not understood my defense mechanism kicks in to block any other feelings or emotions that may arise.

“Realise that there are many who will appreciate your passion for love. Communication within relationships and more trust and confidence in yourself are the keys to realise your heart’s desires. For this to happen you need to allow your emotions to flow freely. You do this by expressing your feelings – regularly. Inform those around you how you feel without judging your feelings or trying not to offend those around you. When you express your feelings authentically those around you (who care and appreciate who you are) would share in your joy and also support you when you need support.” – Leak, K. My chirology report. 

Amongst all the searching that I am doing, I could never explain what I was searching for in others. Was it loyalty? Was it compassion? Was it respect? Was it trust? Now, at this time in my life, I accept that I’m searching for understanding in others. With all the personality tests and different practitioners I’ve sought out I accept that one message has been consistent and is a major challenge in my life; and that is to be able to trust and express my authentic self freely.
I feel like even though I feel so much and so deeply the only time my emotions are clearly expressed is when I’m angry. And for years I didn’t understand this. Now I know its because it is the one emotion that doesn’t require me to be vulnerable.
I’m slowly learning with trial and error and experience whom I can and cannot share with; learning that only some will have the emotional or mental capacity/space to understand and support me in a way I need.

“Utilise the support systems available to you. They are there because of who you are – you have attracted the people and situations in your life. They are there to guide you – make the most of them.”  – Leak, K. My chirology report.