Recently, in an exercise that we needed to complete, I described myself as being on the edge of a cliff and not being able to jump because I was holding myself back. I knew though that if I jumped I’d fly. The fear of falling was not something I was worried about or scared of.
I know that I’ll fly even though I have no idea how to fly. I know how to stop myself from falling and I know how not to jump off the cliff but how do I fly? How do I jump without the knowledge of knowing how to fly? Is that what faith is? Going with the flow because you know you’ll be at your best? That’s what not trying to control everything means, doesn’t it? So how do I do that?
How do I get out of my own way?
That feeling of either going against the flow of something, out of stubbornness or habit, or doing something knowing it’s a bad idea. No, actually stupid idea. Bad…I can live with. It means you’ve (hopefully) thought through the consequences and accept the outcome, regardless of what may happen. Stupid…well that just means stupid. That’s what happens when we can’t get out of our way. We go against our own flow and we follow our habits that no longer serve us because they’re our comfort and it’s what we know. I am learning that by me not getting out of my own way and inevitably not getting out of my own head, I make things way harder for myself than they need to be. I cannot follow my heart when it needs to be followed. I imagine those who are constantly in their hearts struggle to do the same and find it hard to follow their heads when needed.
Back to the cliff…I’m standing on the edge. And I can see the city in the horizon, the unlimited sky above, the fall below with its known depth and all I keep doing is standing on the edge, waiting for a gust of wind to push me off. The problem though is that I haven’t felt the wind in years and I know that nothing is going to get me off this cliff except myself. So I sit down and wait. Either I’m waiting for what I believe is the right time (the biggest excuse I can think of…we all know there’s no right time for anything) or I’m waiting for that wind I know will not arrive. Because somehow I can’t seem to get out of my own way to be able to jump and fly.