The hypocrite in me .

“No matter where we dig or climb,

we come upon the fire we left untended.”

– Mark Nepo

A journey is made of ups and downs; highs and lows. The journey is life and yet we always become confused in thinking the destination makes up life.
We all have times when we don’t feel like ourselves; when we wish we could be the way we know ourselves to be. We all have times when we say, “this isn’t me; this isn’t who I am.”

How many of us know what we need to do in order to find the selves we love but for some internal excuse we feed ourselves a reality that says we cannot?

We sit in the anxiety of indecision because the risks are too scary to face.
How do we then look at ourselves whole while battling with this indecision? Is it not about facing who we are when we feel this disconnection; rather than trying to convince ourselves that this side of us does not exist?

How do we then accept that we have traits that are considered bad or negative and yet still love ourselves? Accepting it and not letting the fear, that this side will win over you, consume you?

Years ago, having lost myself in the voice of others, I fought with myself as I witnessed the loss of my essence. To find my voice again meant acknowledging the weaker side of me; the side I was too afraid of. The side that said I’m never going to be perfect; that at times I will fall and fail and get hurt or hurt someone. As I watched the hypocrisy of those around me, I felt angry. I was angry because it reminded me of the hypocrisy inside myself. And for years I believed that because it was in me, I had to accept it in others. How could I stand for something when I, myself, had that same trait?

Only recently did I learn that enabling these negative traits in others did not mean I was dealing with accepting it in me.

Only by looking at myself and embracing that I have this side and it is a part of me could I deal with it. I did not have to go with the flow when confronted with it.
Dealing with it means standing up to that negative side of myself in others; confronting it face on, and not letting myself be defeated. I now understand that I have to face others when I see parts of me in them; and only then can I love all of me.

Dealing with it means that when this side rises in me again, I’ll be able to embrace it and control it, all because I know it’s a part of who I am.


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