I am safe.

This is always the feeling I want the most. To feel safe. Safety for me has very little to do with a crime rate in a country or whether or not I can go walking alone. Safety for me is a feeling between individuals. Safety occurs when I can sit with friends and know I can be as unfiltered as I am and still be accepted. Or when I can share my feelings without being attacked. Safety for me means no judgement. Safety for me means certainty.

And I struggle with uncertainty. Immensely. Uncertainty makes me anxious. It causes me sleepless nights and worry and concern. I like to know where I stand. Always. Uncertainty brings too many options to the fold and the stress of wanting to make the most right decision. Uncertainty leads to indecision. And indecision makes me feel unsafe.

The only time I am indecisive is when I am safe enough to trust the person to make the decision (ahem…Mirree and brother, take note). That feeling of safety allows me to rest knowing that I do not have to make a decision. That the decision will be made with me also in mind.

Safety for me embodies trust and certainty. And maybe this is where I judge people according to actions and words. Because the actions give me certainty. The actions allow me to make decisions (whether right or wrong) because it holds far more certainty. And of course this kind of need to always feel safe may lead to decisions being made that have devastating consequences. As drastic as the end of friendships; or relationships or as simple as bad planning.

I’ve tried playing in the world of options. I’ve tried going for interviews while in a stable job just to “see what’s out there” and after one interview I called it quits. At first I thought it was because of my loyalty, but in actual fact it was because I felt safe enough not to want to leave.

When dealing with someone who is completely the opposite and always needs options I struggle. Especially when I can see the reason for their own anxiety is because of their inability to be decisive. They know the decision best for them but are unable to make it because the idea of closing off an option makes no sense to them. I have struggled. I used to think it was non-committal; unsafe; testing. Now I accept that it’s their way. And not my way. In many instances I have pushed for a decision to be made or I have ended up making the decision myself; driven by my own need for safety. Damaging the opportunity for the other person to come to their own conclusions. Is it right? I have no idea but I am certain that my own mental state couldn’t have taken those levels of anxiety.

It’s hard to explain to anyone that the idea of trust and love is determined by my feeling of safety. By my ability to be comfortable enough to allow you to make decisions that affect me. The problem comes in when indecision makes me feel like you don’t trust yourself and that makes me feel unsafe.

The most important idea though is knowing that regardless of whatever decision is made or regardless of the consequences one is always safe. If you believe that you are more than just your body and that you have a spirit and soul too then you are always safe. Because nothing can damage your soul or spirit. You are safe.

Just as I am always safe.