Ooohhh my triggers.
Am I learning a lot a about them or what!
Whilst it seems lately that the only emotion I can identify clearly, without having to think about it first is anger, I’m also becoming quick to express it. In a calm manner. Or so I hope.
Trigger 1: Being ignored. Blatantly.
I used to be able to tolerate it. Pretend not to care. Let it build up until it’s done so many times that I eventually lose it. Not anymore.
I needed assistance from a senior individual and had followed the correct process of contacting the relevant people first before approaching said individual. I then approached in person. As I retold my story and request, said person “listened” then turned to help someone else obviously hoping I’d disappear. I didn’t. I stood there until I couldn’t be ignored anymore. And when it became obvious through the irrelevant questions I was eventually asked that said person was not capable of or remotely interested in assisting I immediately went into parent-child mode. Me being the parent and them being the child. My tone was firm, my body language hard and my eyes cold. I felt tested and I had passed whatever ridiculous test this was according to my standards. I didn’t yell. I didn’t insult. But I definitely walked away knowing I thought very little of this highly educated individual. And I’m pretty sure they felt it too.
Trigger 2: Insulting my capabilities without evidence.
I love feedback. I love personal development and growth and I am always willing to receive feedback on how I could grow. Or so I thought. I discovered my ego feels otherwise.
I was challenged on work being done and it wasn’t even about me. But I (together with my ego – it needs a name) made it about me. My body turned warm, my cheeks went red and my eyes, oh so cold and hard. I wanted to scream. But I didn’t. I shut down. And shut up. I needed to leave. And eventually did. Lesson learnt here: Sometimes my ego gets the better of me.
Trigger 3: Being controlling. To me or anyone else.
I value my independence and I value being in control. Always. I feel no need to control others with their actions or thoughts as long as I am not being controlled.
So many stories:
Being told I can or cannot do something because I’m female OR
A person uses tradition as an excuse to be lazy OR
Seeing someone regardless of gender putting down someone else OR
Someone using their power to control someone else in a disrespectful way.
As I learn more about my triggers and how they make me feel I learn more about others and their own biases, either known or unknown. I am learning how I struggle to control my emotions when I am triggered but I am also learning to become more aware of these triggers. The more aware I am, the easier it becomes to control my reaction to them or those who cause the trigger. I am learning as well that it’s better to name them as they arise and when my ego has taken over, to own my emotions. Sometimes they’re misplaced and at other times they’re correctly placed. The only way to know which is which is through owning it. And verbalising it.